I didn’t get to watch TV really. We didn’t own one until second or third grade so I missed the cultural phenomena that was the eighties sitcom. And the eighties cartoon. Um, the eighties in general.
In Kindergarten, you just want to fit in and marry the cute boy in your class. I married him that year in a touching ceremony on the playground at recess. I wore a white paper crown. I don’t remember if he was actually present for his own wedding, but I do remember his older, second grade sister giving me something akin to an elementary school prenuptial agreement. If I broke his heart, she would kill me. Divorce would end in death. Luckily for everyone involved, kids forget what happened at recess by lunch, and no one on the playground was a licensed minister.
That just left the fitting in part…which turned out to be much more difficult than getting married. You see, I didn’t have a TV. The kids would play something called, “Small Wonder” at recess. I had no idea who “Small Wonder” was, but she seemed wonderful. I decided she must have a horse. I spent a lot of time trying to get the other kids to go along with Small Wonder owning a pony. It was an exhausting endeavor, and I really can’t remember if I was successful or not. In my mind, she was a fairy princess type. Years later, when I actually had a TV, I realized that “Small Wonder” was a girl robot. “Samsonite! I was WAY off!”
Destined to be a deprived oddball I struggled through second grade, playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There was only one girl in this program, named April. Each day a war broke out for the role of April, because no young girl wants to pretend to be a Ninja Turtle named after someone from the Renaissance.
When I would get my turn to play April, I was horrible. Who was April? I didn’t know. People like to say that kids are so imaginative, but in situations where their peers are mangling their favorite cartoon, they are less than supportive of the arts.
When the Ninja Turtle movie came out, it was turtle fever on the playground. All regular activities such as dodge ball, foursquare, tether ball…GONE! It was turtle, turtle, SHREDDER, turtle, all day long. Right now my Grandma is wondering what I’m talking about (Hi Grandma!). Now you know how I felt Grandma. Confused.
I didn’t get to see the movie. It was rated PG! I know! PARENTAL GUIDANCE! I guess my parents didn’t want to guide me through a bunch of violent turtles and an overgrown rat in a robe (I just had to ask my husband if Shredder was a rat. See? It’s haunting me to this day).
I know my parents were trying to protect my innocent eyes, but I would sneak over to watch He-Man at the neighbors house anyway, which I guess was a questionable show. I can’t remember anything about it except there was maybe a tiger, and a lady who rode a tiger and a sword. Or maybe there wasn’t a tiger. He-Man was blond, and I think I had a crush on him.
I forget what the point of this blog is. I think I just wanted to complain about my deprived childhood, and work in a Dumb and Dumber quote that has been following me around all day. Now that it’s on virtual paper, hopefully I won’t feel the need to say, “Samsonite! I was WAY off!” in the middle of my Thursday women’s bible study. Because if I do (and trust me I could find a way), all the people who missed the nineties will think I’m talking about luggage.