“Little surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous.” -Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Once, many years ago, I ran out of checks. I asked my buddy, who works at my bank, to order some more checks for me. My buddy and I have been friends for a long time, I trusted him. I requested special checks, because I felt like I had reached the age where personalized checks were necessary for putting my best foot forward (you know, the age where you have just graduated from college with a fine arts degree). I wanted to write a check and have everyone think, “Whoa, what a classy and artistic soul! I want to be like her!”, so I asked him to order me fancy checks that had famous works of art on them. He said he would, and I happily dreamed about writing “and no 100s” all over Van Gough’s Starry Night (paint the colors blue and greeeen…).
Weeks later, a big box arrived in my mailbox. I opened it, excited about the checks and the new identity I would project with them. Instead of Monet, I had Sponge Bob?
Yes, my “buddy” ordered Sponge Bob Squarepants checks for me. A giant box of Sponge Bob. Sponge Bob whom I hate, who has an annoying voice, who is (ahem) passing gas and making his pants explode on one of the checks. HE is not classy nor is he artistic. He is A CARTOON!
So here I am, YEARS later, writing checks to my church, checks with a picture of a yellow squarish thing…farting. I’m sure the pastor and elders of our church are so impressed that they are being paid by people who apparently love body functions and rude cartoons. Sorry, I sound bitter. But here’s the thing, I wanted to be fancy and artistic dang it! Sponge Bob is the complete opposite. Other places I have used my Sponge Bob checks with shame:
-The DMV (okaaaay…I sent them the flatulence check on purpose…those hustlers deserved it!).
–Compassion International.: “Yes, I care about needy children in other countries. REALLY! I DO! Please ignore this rude cartoon and just look in the amount box! I love you guys, really.”
-My Eye Doctor: “Hi doc, here’s money for my glasses, and a yellow square with exploding pants, because I’m an adult like that. “
My “buddy” told me I should be grateful that I didn’t end up with Nascar. So, I guess there’s always a silver lining right?
Now onto a goose story. This story is also true and told to me by my Mother The Avian Kingdom Lover . My mom’s friend (let’s call her Bev shall we?*) had some beautiful diamond earrings..and a goose..and a flower bed.
One day Bev was gardening and the goose pecked off her ear…ring (gotcha!) and ATE IT! It was a real diamond too. Bev was distraught, but a few months later the goose died, and during the autopsy they found the diamond in the goose’s stomach. Right now Bev is having it reset because the setting dissolved in the stomach acid.
So, if you are ever in the market for earrings that will withstand goose stomach, get diamonds. I would stay away from opals, they are a softer stone and I doubt they would survive. Anyway, after my mom told me this story, the following conversation took place:
Me: “If I had real diamond earrings, and a goose ate them, I would just kill the goose and get my earrings back right then. Why didn’t she kill the goose? It might have lived for another ten years for all she knew!”
Mom:”IT WAS A PET! A PETTTTTTT!”
Another example of my mothers irrational love of birds.
In other news, today is Grandma’s birthday. Happy Birthday Grandma! Thanks for force feeding me vegetables and letting me make mud pies in your garden. And thanks for all the fresh squeezed orange juice and Big Red gum. And thanks for putting up with my childish antics (like hiding in a closet through an entire family Christmas and playing Monopoly by myself because I didn’t want to see Santa). I love you!
*names have been changed to protect the innocent…except for YOU ADAM! You are not innocent, therefore you are not protected.