“The whole earth is our hospital, endowed by the ruined millionaire” – T.S. Eliot
I wore my courageous clothes and carried my baby to Physical Therapy. It’s hard to believe in things like therapy when you have a fat, happy butterball who sleeps a delightful amount, crawls everywhere, and is generally in good humor.
Then Sheldon turned one.
When you are One, you should be pulling to stand. You shouldn’t feel like a giant bag of mashed potatoes. You shouldn’t be so floppy. You should move your legs more instead of letting them drag behind you. You should be able to sit in swings and bike trailers without sinking down into a small, cranky ball.
Was he just relaxed and unambitious? Was he fine? Was he not fine?
Low Muscle Tone: it’s not the end of the world. The therapist said she would only need to see him once a month for three months, to show me what I can do to help him.
I left the therapist’s office feeling overwhelmed by emotions I can’t name. Waves of helplessness came crashing down. I wanted comfort in the face of unknown, so I ordered a cheeseburger, a large fries, and a ginormous soda on the way home.
There is nothing evil
about ordering fast food, it just depends on the way that you order, and the motives behind it… (The wrong way to order):
I ordered comfort food to comfort me, even though I knew I should be running to Jesus, the Prince of Peace. It was a small choice, but it was deliberate. My god was my stomach
. I ate the food furtively in the car, because I knew why I was eating it.
I went inside, still nursing a large carbonated beverage, and my tongue was comforted but I felt guilty inside, because I knew that Christians are supposed to run to God for comfort, not fried food.
Like all false gods, the comfort I felt initially turned to rocks in my stomach, and I reached for my bible. Aren’t you supposed to read your bible when you feel terrible? When the world is spinning out of control?
I flipped it open and read:
“Thus says the Lord, “The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness–Israel, when it went to find its rest.” The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.” –Jeremiah 31
“Oh,” I thought, “so this is what God WOULD have done if I had turned to Him first instead of my stomach,” and I spent the rest of the day dwelling on the microscopic things I do that are wrong that keep me from being a good Christian. I found condemnation in the dirty laundry and the unwashed dishes. I found depression in my helplessness, in my inability to do right.
We lose our soul when we start to keep it.
I’ve always been a pain free, quick-fix sort of girl, and I wanted the band aid, not the stitches. I like to imagine I can control my feelings and circumstance by throwing money and food and leisure activities at them instead of laying them at His feet and crying out to Him.
We have lots of little gods here and there, so tiny and wooden
, we excuse them away.
“But the Lord answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered by many things; but only one thing is necessary…” Luke 10:41-42
I went to church today and moped around the multitude of clean consciouses. The message was on Psalm 63; pursuing God in the wilderness times of life, because of He first loved us.
I cried at the end when we sang, “It is well with my soul”, because I finally stopped striving and gave my sorrow, and helplessness, and weakness to Him.
It IS well with my soul, because of His lovingkindness. Like Martha I’ve been trying to serve God; cleaned house and perfect parenting. Like Mary, I needed to sit at his feet, give Him my mess (and my baby), because His love is everlasting.
“A Substitute has appeared in space and time, appointed by God Himself, to bear the weight and burden of our transgressions, to make expiation for our guilt, and to propitiate the wrath of God on our behalf. This is the gospel.”
– R. C. Sproul, The Truth of the Cross
185. The Lord is my righteousness
186. And my comfort
187. He forgives the little things
188. And the big things
189. He does not require perfection from those who come to Him
190. He turns sorrow into joy
191. His loves us with an everlasting love
192. He gives us peace when we go to him
193. There is nothing we can do to make Him reject us
194. His very blood covers us and makes us white as snow
195. He is patient with us