Notes from a Self-Lover Who has Gotten Sick of Herself

I clatter down the hall at an unholy hour to bring demanding voices milk-filled sippy cups and collapse on the couch while tiny fingers clasp my wedding ring. I fall half asleep with a tiny body next to me, and we wait for the sunrise together. I feel dry…dry and tired.
I’ve settled into a comfortable routine lately. Swimming pools, desserts, sun kissed tomatoes right off the vine, naps and cable tv. I’ve been full…of me.
God is great, but lately I’ve seen him only Sundays and “free time” (which I’ve been filling with home decorating shows on cable). I’ve put my relationship with God in a manila folder, right after repainting my toenails and flossing.
Not so great. Not so God.
So what’s the solution? How do I fall in love with God again, how do I make Him GREAT in my life?
I’ve given God a few things out of my wealth, but I’m really supposed to be giving out of my poverty. I want to be the poor widow with only two coins to offer God, I want to be in a place where there’s nothing left to lose: then it’s easier to give God my all…when I don’t have it all.
Here’s the thing: I’m doing pretty well on my own right now. Trials have been kept to a minimum. Things are running smoothly. I’m satisfied, I have things I want.
“You don’t realize Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.” – Timothy Keller

So here I am with whitewashed faith.
I know what I need to do; I need to pray for Less of ME and MORE of Him. It’s scary because I know He will answer.
“Remove the dross from the silver, and out comes material for the silversmith;” –Proverbs 25:4
I am waiting now, for the refining fire. I’m frightened, because I’m not completely fireproof, and I happen to enjoy my dross. However, I’ve tasted dependence on God. I will tell you now that it far outweighs all the fluffy-cotton-candy-comfort emptiness of selfishness. Taste and see.
“Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”-James 4:8-9
p.s. So many bloggy friends have encouraged me to live a life of radical faith, to be sold out for Jesus. Thank you for setting the example that shows me when I’m drifting off course. Thank you for showing me what it means to be a Christ follower.
holy experience

15 thoughts on “Notes from a Self-Lover Who has Gotten Sick of Herself

  1. Good for you for praying this prayer. You are right, it is darn scary… I've prayed it. But it is worth it, and you already know that you will be in awe of who Christ can be in you when you can empty more of yourself and allow more of Christ. I'm still working on it right there with ya…


  2. It IS scary to surrender to Him…wholly. I have lived a life of deep sorrow seeking after myself. It was good for a moment (great, even), but you are right, nothing outweighs total dependence on Him. We all need to pray less of me, more of Him…God does mighty things in us and through us when we give up all we have…because He gives it all (and more so) back to us His way, to further His kindgom, and make us more like Jesus.

    I'm sending you a big hug for saying this and encouraging me today…Miss, I never sail because I kill myself with poor sailing technique! Haha! I was cracking up at that one!

    P.S. Join me for my online bible study series on Rest. Starts Monday! 🙂


  3. It's easy to get into the mindset that God is just one more demand on my time, like having to do an extra load of laundry. As I type this, the sentiment frightens me.

    I'm in a spot where I'm afraid to pray this sort of prayer because I've been struggling with a belief (that I didn't know I had until Jack's last hospitalization) that God is like my earthly father- loving, but a bit absentminded and forgetful or our trials.

    Thanks for making me think… again.


  4. I could read this post again and again. Thank you for your honesty and insight.
    I too have begun to feel like this.
    Your post helped give me clarity.
    God Bless


  5. I relate to so much of this. It's one step forward, two steps back.

    I got your email last night and although I haven't responded to it (big surprise there!) I want you to know that I prayed for us last night and again this morning. We're in it together.


  6. Looks like you are well on your way… Amy Carmichael says ” He goes before you, walks behind you to pick up anything you have dropped and in the middle He gathers you in His arms.” May you sense His presence through it all!

    Thanks for stopping by Chatting at the Sky today. I'm so glad to meet you!



  7. This is totally awesome. I love your honesty — in it, you are helping the rest of us admit when we've gone dry for God as well. Boy I can relate to this post. You are making me think, girl!


  8. oh, several thoughts on this: A) i'm reading crazy love by francis chan and it's rocking my world, but not always in a comfy, cable tv kind of way. ahem. the line about giving out of poverty instead of wealth? ummm, yeah. B) we talked via email about brokenness and LOVING him, but man, how is that so hard when we're sooo stinking blessed? C) “i happen to enjoy my dross” ouch. yeah, me too. especially when it happens to be hgtv or wasting time or adding to my wish-list, none of which add to spreading his love to those who need it.
    i needed this today.


  9. You have such a beautiful way with words – thank you. You have reminded me that I really need to be thankful for my trials right now because you are completely right – they bring us closer to Him, and THAT is always good. I used to live a life filled with puff & fluff, and it only made me want more fluff. Now, going through all this, no matter how minor, reminds me what is important – serving God, and subsequently my family, with all that I (don't) have. Humbling.


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