Real Estate Attack: How I Almost Died from Embarrassment

At some point, one must do laundry…it’s something you just can’t avoid if you want to have clean underwear and fit in with clean smelling society.

I had to face my laundry today. I’d done about eight loads and piled it onto the couch, folded the towels, and traipsed off to the park, and then…the grocery store.
I am having my in-laws over for dinner tonight, so I had to gather supplies, rally the troops and buy the fixings for dessert. Every time my Father-in-Law comes over, he asks about dessert. I didn’t want to be caught dessert-less.
At the park, I pushed kids in swings, and faithfully held my cell phone in my hand, because there’s always the chance that someone will want to show my house. However, at the grocery store, I somehow managed to forget my phone in the car.
I bought onions under the false illusion that my phone was tucked into my diaper bag (or shall I say Sheldon’s diaper bag) (note: the onions were not part of my dessert menu).
A million years later, I stumbled back into the sunlight, having been delayed by a small “Shopper in Training” who insisted on driving a mini version of a cart, which seemed to have a mind of itself and desperately wanted to crash into the wine display.
I saw my phone in the cup holder and gasped.
In a panic, I saw that I had a missed call and…it was a realtor asking to show my house in the morning (Who says, “sometime this morning” when arranging to view a house? Could you be any more vague?). I look at the time: 11:18 a..m., hardly any morning left.
I drove to my house, wishing (for the 15 millionth time) to be Mary Poppins. Do you think that the finger snap house cleaning trick works in a five mile radius or do you actually have to be in the room?
Sadly, I have not figured out how to snap my fingers, and so my laundry job is still not a game, and I had to face the possibility that strangers were investigating my home, exposed to hazardous amounts of washed socks and towels and Toy Story undies.
I pulled up and there they were, standing in my front yard. I begged for five minutes, apologized, yanked children out of the car, ignored my groceries in the trunk and directed them to the back yard.
I raced around, throwing laundry into crevices and corners, hiding cereal bowls and pretended that Jack-in-the-Boxes are the newest design trend (I think everyone should have one to cast sideways under their desk). Finished, I glance outside to see them gathered around the patio table, looking at the lawn. And what’s on the patio table?
A diaper.
Yes.
A diaper is on my patio table that strangers are standing around.
Who put the diaper on the table?
I don’t want to point fingers, but it was NOT me.
I have my suspicions…
Guess what else I noticed when I went to put some body wash away after they had left?
The toilet had not been flushed…because sometimes even superheroes forget bathroom etiquette.
This has been my day so far. Could I be any more mortified? No. I think not.
Will these people buy my house? HA. I guess crazier things have happened.
Will I be running off to the store/park without deep cleaning my house first? Not while it’s on the market.
Sincerely,
Ms. Dirty Diaper Laundry Monster No Flush

26 thoughts on “Real Estate Attack: How I Almost Died from Embarrassment

  1. thank you, Internet.

    for providing someone, even someone far far away, who knows.

    who gets it.

    i so wanted to make a game out of it. think of it: next to the key lockbox, leave a “scavenger hunt list” for the potential buyers. can you find: a rancid sippy cup? a matchbox car? a discarded nursing pad?

    check them all off the list, and you get 100 bucks off at closing!

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  2. Selling a house is a nightmare…We did it with a 2 and 3 year old…And AGAIN with a 6 and 7 year old…Neither phase is one of my favorites…

    And, KeLi's comment is too funny.

    Thanks for the laugh today!

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  3. Oh, I feel your pain!

    We returned from out of town late Friday, and Saturday morning was spent ignoring the suitcases and dirty laundry, etc. being completely lazy…and then naturally got a call that someone wanted to show our house in 30 MINUTES! Aack! I ran around shoving stuff back into suitcases and throwing it BACK into the car to hide it, shoved the rotting bananas into the oven (I hope they didn't peek in there) and generally trying to hide all signs that two adults, two teenagers, a dog and two cats live in our house!

    Yeah, I'm not really expecting those people to make an offer. Why can't people give us a little more notice?

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  4. This post is awesome! I think anyone who has had their house on the market with small children, can relate to this. You tell it all so well! Just love your blog!!!!!! Thank you for making me smile. 🙂

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  5. Oh.my.goodness. I would have died a thousand deaths. Oh wait, I've had something vaguely similar happen to me and I survived. People know when you have children you have messes. Praying it sells soon…for your sanity!

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  6. That is so funny! When we sold our SC house, we told the realtor that they had to give us 24 hour notice. Of course, it didn't always happen, so I figured if they're not going to follow the rules, they get what they ask for!

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  7. what a day! the perfect people will want your home — diaper on the patio table and all! thanks so much for visiting me and leaving me a note! i love making new blogging friends. (and blogging doesn't require cleaning before guests can come over–woohoo!)

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  8. This is so funny but only because I've been there! It was 2 years ago and the day after a showing where our house looked it's absolute worse we got an offer! 🙂 I even apologized to their realtor that our house had smelled like bacon because we had just finished having BLT's for dinner when they called and wanted to come right over. They thought it was funny! Maybe that's the trick – bacon! Try that next time! 🙂

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  9. The only reason I've read Doystoyevsky's Brothers Karamazov was because my house was on the market and I couldn't sleep at night, thinking of all the different ways we could face bankruptcy if our real estate deal went really, really badly. Nothing like knocking off fifty pages of a Russian novel to ease the pain of trying to sell a house. No, you're not crazy. Trying to sell a house, however, does tend to make you feel that way. Laughing and crying with you.

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  10. I would give someone one bazillion dollars if I could twitch my nose like Bewitched and have my house magically become spit spot tidy.

    Your sad tale was my life when my girls were small, but even now the laundry and the unflushed toilets haunt my everyday existence. Every time I see a toilet full of pee, I think, how lazy can one be? Seriously.

    Here's my most embarrassing house story. Thankfully, my house wasn't being shown, but we were having a party with lots of adults in their cocktail finest. Somebody accidentally backed into a plant that sat on this high plant stand. The plant toppled over and what came flying out of that plant? A piece of pizza. That's right. Pizza in my plant. My daughters are not human, they are dung beetles.

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  11. Oh my gosh this is so funny. I know it's painful, too, but thank God for you and your sense of humor and your lovely, lovely, witty writing. I truly hope your day gets better and all diapers are in the trashcan and all toilets remain flushed (I can't count the number of times BOTH boys have left toilets unflushed…what is WITH that?).

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  12. I remember those days of trying to sell a house with little ones; so stressful. What I find even more annoying is the real estate TV shows. Watched one last night. Perky interior designer says to young couple with children, “Oh, no, no, no! Your house will never sell with this natty old furniture! You're going to need to purchase a new living room and dining room set if you ever want it to sell.” SAY WHAT?! Next was, “Oh, and I see you have lots of photos of your children around. Perspective buyers don't want to see your family photos. They won't be able to imagine the house as thiers.” Why? Is the scope of their imagination limited? It really burned me that this poor couple nodded meekly and spent money that they didn't have to and exhausted themselves silly. Hang in there, JoAnne; the right buyer will come. xo

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  13. Found your blog b/c I was after you at (in)courage! And I'm so encouraged! : ) I am actually in the middle of (chaos) trying to move out of our house b/c we're moving temporarily to Canada (from California) for missionary training in 3 weeks and we're supposed to be trying to rent out our house. Given up on trying to make anything look pretty. We just have to get out of here! : ) Anyway, thanks for the smiles. : ) From another mom who is often on the receiving end of the booger gifts…

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