TMI to the UTI

“TMI? Too Much Information. It’s just easier to say ‘TMI’. I used to say “don’t go there”, but that’s lame.” -Michael, The Office

I wasn’t sure if I should “go there” with this post. But I can’t think about anything else so I thought maybe, just maybe, if I tell everyone I know about it my brain will shut up and stop saying, “RED ALERT! RED ALERT!” all day long.
On Friday, on the long drive home, I thought I was in labor.
I have had two children but I have never been in labor, so I wasn’t sure.
Don’t be jealous.
Having never gone through any sort of contraction, I had to call my friend to ask her if she thought I having contractions.
She was not impressed with my symptoms. She laughed at me and told me that I probably needed to get out of my car for a little bit.
The horrible, make you want to cry, feeling continued all this weekend. I Googled my symptoms and decided that I had a UTI Infection OR a Kidney Infection.
I called my friend again, because she has had a Kidney Infection AND she has been in labor. Her life has been a “graveyard of buried hopes”…or something.
She laughed at me again. I could practically SEE her rolling her eyes at me through the phone. She told me that Kidney Infections involve SHOOTING pain down your back and legs. I tried to say that sometimes I felt shooting pain, but she cut me off and said something about her high pain tolerance and my big baby ways.
My doctor called in a prescription to kill the UTI monster…

(disclaimer: this is not an actual picture of a UTI monster. This is a photograph of my friend’s child at Halloween. He is a Wild Thing. She made his costume because somewhere in the midst of being in labor and having kidney infections, she has found time to become Way Too Good At Making Halloween Costumes)
Last night I had nightmares about my baby, and realizing I have entered the phase of pregnancy where one worries about everything, I decided to go to the Doctor’s anyway, just in case I was dying or something.

And? Nothing is wrong with me.
I do not have a Kidney infection.
I don’t even have a UTI monster.
What I do have is a giant baby who has crash landed on my bladder and found it to be comfortable.
He is eating chips and watching college basketball. I can tell. He has no intention of moving.
So, that’s my sad story. I promise not to talk about my bladder anymore, no matter HOW much I am thinking about it.
The End.

32 thoughts on “TMI to the UTI

  1. i think labor feels like horribly severe diarrhea cramps…which i totally did not expect at all.

    i am glad you dont have a monster in your belly -or bladder. poor mom.


  2. Yes to what Vicki said…actually, I thought it was kind of a combination of that and the worst menstrual camps ever.

    Funny post! I loved the photos (especially the UTI monster). When I was about 6-7 months pregnant with my daughter, she was turned sideways and was right on my bladder and kidney for a couple of weeks. It was agony. I feel for ya!

    I hope you feel better soon!


  3. Love the Anne references. I always let pregnant women cut in line in front of me at public restrooms. I just tell them they should go ahead of me because I don't have anyone tap dancing on my bladder.


  4. Well, to be fair, for the past 48 hours I have been eating chips and watching college basketball too. Maybe not on someone's kidney, although that does sound rather warm and comfortable. Like one of those love sacks.


  5. HAWW! you're funny. i like you. hey — wanna hear MY not-labour stories??
    1. water broke – breech baby – c-section.
    2. contractions every 10 minutes for 40 hrs – no change to cervix – c-section.
    3. woke up – shaved my legs – went to hospital – c-section.


  6. Uh…when you feel a head banging against your pelivs and your water breaks and you have contractions that are 1 minute apart and you feel a DESPERATE need to push (like you have to poop really really badly) that's when you know you are in labor! (At least that's when I did with my 2nd.)

    Funny funny blog. Thanks so much for sharing.

    And these darned kids – they have a way of making us feel dumb whether they're inside of us or popped out over 14 years ago! (again…at least mine do!)


  7. Labor is far easier than c-section recovery so yay for you! I have had 2 labors and 3 sections, and I ain't no sissy! haha Chip eatin',sports watchin' babies on bladders too funny.Is it a boy? How did I miss hhat info?


  8. How, exactly, does one make a Halloween costume THAT brilliant when she is in the graveyard of buried hopes?

    I am humbled.

    I've been in labor twice, but my kids would wear Hefty bags for Halloween before I could make something approximating a Wild Thing costume.

    Your friend frightens me with her competence.

    Hang in there, JoAnn.

    March Madness has to end sometime.


  9. well, if it helps, i thought i was having contractions this weekend too… turns out it was just gastro-intestinal something or other. sigh. we're in this together friend. can't wait to meet your little one!!! (and seriously–who is talented enough to make those kinds of halloween costumes? luckiest little boy in the world…)


  10. Oh you poor dear. Just think of the beautiful gift at the end of this suffering. I know, that's pretty easy to say as I sit here not dealing with it! Love that he is eating chips + watching BB.


  11. Should I make an Office comment or an Anne comment? Should I share my own tales of pregnancy woes or comment on the photos? Bah!!! LOL — that's all you get this time!


  12. well yay for that! 🙂 bladder infections are the worst! I think maybe even comparable to a short lived labor. Glad everything is ok!! Hope the kid leaves your bladder alone for a while! 🙂


  13. “and pregnant Jo-Ann sailed in and out of weeks and almost over a year to where the UTI monsters are.”

    you've ruined storytime over here, my friend. and how are you this funny while in pain?


  14. my bladder is empathizing with yours. just the memory of that particular pain makes me grimace.

    ps holy moley on your friend's costume-making skills.

    pps after four births i still cannot tell the difference between so-called braxton hicks and actual real-life contractions. they feel EXACTLY THE SAME. so clearly you should not call me.


  15. Thanks for stopping by!

    Gotta say, I've been there.

    I could tell you a story that would make you laugh so hard your bladder lost control of itself…but then I would be embarassed on your blog 😉

    Just imagine one really big baby boy, one bladder that had been assulted by his twin sisters in a previous pregnancy…and the inability to tell if my water had broken or well….anyway 😉


  16. Oh Joybird – seriously…I need to give you a cyber five – that's the nicest thing I've ever heard. I haven't found anyone to let me relieve myself before them…even WITH my other three in tow!

    And seriously – I've not been in labor either….I, however, have the privilege of having (non-productive) contractions from about the 28th week and on. It's lovely. NOT. They make you think you have to pee…ALL the time. Hang in there. Tell the babe to get off or get out! Has he been scratching on your bladder too?? That's always lovely.


  17. My children thought my bladder was cozy too:) I always had wild dreams at the very end of my pregnancies; movie stars would want to date me and I often could fly. They were fun- I hope you have less worries and more dreams:)


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