The Hairless Squirrel, The Wet Shoes, And The Frazzled Mommy

“And how are you?” said Winnie-the-Pooh.

Eeyore shook his head from side to side.

“Not very how,” he said. “I don’t seem to have felt at all how for a long time.”

-Winnie-the-Pooh by A.A. Milne

Do you ever have those days where everything seems to be exploding and jumping the rails and breaking and spilling and running out of gas? You can’t figure it out how you’re going to survive the day without loosing your mind, so you stop figuring. You grab your sanity and cling to it like a giant rubber ducky in a giant bathtub.
Today was one of those days. I haven’t figured out the moral of today but I made it through, and I ended the evening washing two Oreo cookie mustaches off my sweet little boys so there’s that.
I woke up this morning confident I would achieve my life long goal to make it to Bible Study on time. It’s nice to be on time, especially when you’re the group leader. I even dared to fantasize about a leisurely cup of Chai before heading out.

Five minutes before we all walked out the door, Mayhem broke loose and crawled in my ear.
(Disclaimer: this is not Mayhem. This is my friend’s son who is coming over for a sleep over tomorrow night, and aren’t we all excited?!)


There was a last minute poopy diaper.
Q’s second pair of shoes disappeared. His first pair were sitting in plain sight, but they were soaked from an impromptu puddle jump the night before.
The dog ran away.
Time ticked by and soon I was shoeless, dogless, and running late; it was time to problem solve.
I would have taken Q in his socks but it was raining so I called my friend to borrow some size 10 shoes. Does anyone else have a friend that calls them at 8 a.m. to borrow toddler shoes? I thought not.
I decided the dog could travel to Canada and back for all I cared, I was leaving. However, when I opened the door the dog came running inside. A Christmas Miracle!
She smelled weird. Actually she smelled awful, but I was LEAVING the house no matter what. However, as the kids piled into the car, I spotted it by the flowerbed.
At first I thought it was an old, grey, garden glove.
It was not a glove. It was a very dead squirrel.
I started to scream and cry, it was seriously disgusting. It didn’t even have HAIR anymore.
Q asked me why I was crying and I laughed and screamed, “I’m not crying, I’M FREAKING OUT!”
I called Derrick to report the roadkill and, um, freak out.
“I can’t go to bible study,” I sobbed, “I have to stay home and make sure Snickers (the dog) doesn’t roll on the carpet or sleep on a blanket! AHHHHHH!!!!”
“Put her in the garage,” he replied reasonably, “I will take care of the squirrel when I come home.”
I listened to reason, garaged the dog, and rushed off to borrow some shoes.
I arrived at bible study ten minutes late and ultimately lost my bible.
Who loses their bible at bible study? Who borrows shoes?
Me.
ME!
I went home and Q promptly dropped an entire cup of apple juice on the recently mopped floor. I washed the dog and scrubbed the dog and guess what? The dog still stinks.
So that was my day. How was yours?
Since I’m so full of glad tidings today, remember when I had a rockstar chicken that turned into a rooster and went back to my mom’s chicken coop? Peaky the Rooster has passed on. He died a tragic death today. More on that tomorrow. I didn’t think it was fair to his memory to group him in with the grey hairless squirrel. He will get his own post. A Chicken Memoriam. Who’s excited?

29 thoughts on “The Hairless Squirrel, The Wet Shoes, And The Frazzled Mommy

  1. I think all diaper-wearing little ones know to take a poop right before Bible study. Every other MOPS Friday we have the poop-moment and shoe scavenger hunt at our house. At least you ended the day w/ Oreos. Have you tried the fudge-mint kind? I discovered them on my mom's counter and they are delish.

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  2. The one that would push me over the edge was the “I have to pee” after wrestling them into the snowsuit, boots, and gloves. My eldest daughter had a penchant for tossing one shoe out the window of a moving car when she was a toddler. I have a cat that kills squirrels and eats half of them. He shares the other half with us. I've stepped on that half while sleepily carrying my mug of coffee out to the deck on a summer morning. I lost my Bible once on a women's bible study retreat. All this to say “we read to know we're not alone”. xox

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  3. I am so sorry for your day and am sending you a virtual hug. I know just how you feel and have these kinds of days often. The important thing is that you and the boys made it through. And you should be really proud of yourself for making it to Bible study. For reals.

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  4. “A Christmas Miracle!” Seriously – LOL! I can totally sympathize with your thoughts re: the dog! Mine ran away today, too, but promptly returned at the sound of her FATHER'S voice. Figures. She hates me. I don't blame her. And she stinks. But not like dead stuff. Well, maybe a dead INNER ear. Vets are over-rated. She'll be fine.

    I can't wait to hear about Mr. Rise & Shine!

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  5. Cuh-rAzy! But I still love hearing ya rant about it. Garage the dog. I totally have those moments when I am in the tornado and need someone to please direct me to the brightly lit neon exit sign that I will never find in my own.

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  6. oh my, its 6 in the morning here and i have my cup of coffee that i have just spit all over the computer laughing out loud at that post! gosh you should live next door, we would be great friends! clinging to your sanity like a giant rubber ducky! lady you are CRAZY! HEE HEE. i would cling to mine but its so insane it has actually turned into a rubber duck!
    cant quite pick my favourite bit as it all made me laugh…the dog, the loosing your bible, the hope that you could ever be on time in the first place with kids and a dog! never work with children and anilmals, have you not heard that! but the fact i have got to read a post that said it isnt fair to talk about a chickens death in the same post as a dead hairless squirrel! who would have thought that would be my reading material for the start of the day? cool, i for one am excited to find out about rooster if not of course respectfully sad for his passing. love and hugs from another mummy who spent £125 on 2 pairs of kids shoes last saturday and now can only find 3 out of the 6 little blighters xxxxx

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  7. I just keep thinking that if blogs existed back in the day…
    I wonder if mine would have been called “Flip the Table Over” . And I would have written less funny and mostly rant and tears and swearing even.
    You are my hero.

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  8. Oh, poor you! In retrospect, it's pretty amazing that you were only 10 minutes late!

    Our dog just rolled in something dead the other day (I have NO idea what it was…I never found anything and I'm just hoping she didn't EAT it too!) and Ugh – the house started stinking immediately. I scrubbed and scrubbed and she still smelled. Finally, I washed her and then rinsed her in 50% water and 50% vinegar and (whew!) that seemed to work. Try the vinegar…it smells a bit like a dill pickle in the house, but it fades pretty quickly. Good luck!

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  9. you lead such an exciting life – i'm telling you. i am being serious. my dog hasnt runned off or rolled in anything for such a long time…. sigh. and my children too only have one pair of good shoes for school, and if anything ever happened to those shoes/lost/wet/stepped in doody at last minute before departing/etc, they would have to miss a day of school or be late after we went to walmart to get new ones.
    i would very much like for you to be my bible study teacher, as i like to learn stuff and crack up at the same time! happy weekend with dracula banditos…

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  10. A Chicken Memoriam? Sleepover with the Boy Who is not Mayhem?

    Oh, my. You can borrow shoes from me anytime, lady.

    Hang in there…as long as there aren't any dead, hairless squirrels around. In that case, leave. Immediately.

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  11. Believe it or not I had many mornings such as the one you described above… so I switched to the Wednesday night Bible study and now leave my kids at home with Troy. It's changed my life! You are a great mom!

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  12. I know it was your day and it was awful in the moment, but man did that give me laugh! Your spin, in retrospect, makes it a great story. It’s the ludicrous and utterly preposterous stuff that sometimes makes life memorable. Every day’s an adventure, right? And you seem to have navigated it all marvelously. I’m getting the chills just thinking about that squirrel!!!

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  13. Oh. My. Goodness. I can totally relate.

    And, on a semi-related note not mentioned in this post, why is it that preparing one tiny person to leave the house takes 5 times as long as preparing myself to leave the house?

    On a related note: Hairless dead squirrel? *shudder*

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  14. Animals are disgusting. My cat used to leave me “presents” all the time (or more often, see me come outside and then ditch whatever poor, half-dead animal he was playing with). He hasn't left me anything in a couple years, but the last thing he left me was a headless bird. Where was the head? Why was he such a creep?

    If only we had such good excuses for being late to church every week. Glad things settled down (a bit) and that Derrick was able to put some things back in order for you.

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  15. dogs just know when to wander away. Mine are always fine with coming to the door when I have no where to go, it's just when I do…! Argh.

    Should I complain though, none have ever brought me a squirrel. Did you see the hystericalness in your day as you were going through it? Hmm, Maybe not, but I guarantee all us readers did!!!!

    Thanks for signing on to “Any Given Moment” my funny bone is pumped to be your newest follower 🙂

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  16. “Not very how,” he said. “I don't seem to have felt at all how for a long time.”

    -Winnie-the-Pooh by A.A. Milne

    “Do you ever have those days where everything seems to be exploding and jumping the rails and breaking and spilling and running out of gas?”

    Had one yesterday. Different circumstances, same crazy.

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  17. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO have had that kind of week! Praying for you friend! Trust that this week will be better and we will make it back to the blogs once or twice?

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  18. you deserve a serious medal for surviving that day with your humor intact.

    and i, for one, am excited about the chicken post. is that weird? don't tell me if that's weird.

    Like

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