At 4:30 this morning I threw a temper tantrum in the hallway. I stomped my feet on the cold tiles and threw my hands in the air, fist first. I was not sleeping, and my 4 month old was not sleeping. He decided to rise at 12, then at 2, then at 3:15, then at 4:20. Boo.
It’s almost 9 a.m. and we’re having movies with popcorn. Things are pretty cozy here; my table is covered in mutilated construction paper and safety scissors, there’s a cool autumn chill in the air, the coffee is working it’s magic and the baby is finally asleep.
In the wee hours of the morning I thought peace would never reign. I fantasized about sending my kids off to my mother, for their own safety. Surviving the day seemed impossible.
It’s like that in the night; the hopeless hours where everything is dark, everyone is crying and there is no rest. I give myself up for lost, the sun rises and the coffee brews. In daylight the shadows fade and I lower standards to a comfortable level of pajamas till noon and Barney for breakfast.
I used to run away from hard things. I was ruled by fear. Fear comes in many shapes, but it balloons into a suffocating sphere when you reach the end of your strength. I’ve always been afraid to lose my strength, and at 4 a.m. I’m still afraid. What will the morning bring?
The morning brings the dawn. Slowly, over coffee cups and crayons, I’m learning the secret to popping the balloon of fear. I’m learning to trust that when I reach the end of my strength, God’s strength is still there, working in me, through me, weaving peace in cartoons and crafts. There is no dark with Him, He never rests, and He has offered us all Peace that Passes Understanding. All it takes is surrender. I seem to have a lot of white flags.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” -Romans 15:13
I am weak
He is strong
silk and sugar with a splash of coffee
a clean “poop trash” (Shel’s name for kitty litter)
babies in swings
a get away planned
a future face to face meeting with a person who loves