Things That Happen While My Coffee Languishes: A Morning Log

1:30 a.m: Hear baby cry. Decide baby is crazy if he thinks he’s getting fed. Decide to let baby cry it out.

2:00 a.m: Try to comfort baby, but only succeed in making baby extremely angry

2:30 a.m: Send husband in to comfort baby. That doesn’t work either. Baby hates everybody.

3:15 a.m: Give up. Feed baby. Baby is happy and friendly and goes back to sleep

6:00 a.m: Tell the boys it’s not time to get up yet. Feed baby in the hopes of a little more sleep

6:30: Tell oldest he can use the bathroom. Stop asking. Geesh.

7:00: Get up. Change diaper (baby’s, not your own). Get cheese bagel for oldest child.

7:02: try to explain the Simpson’s on Daddy’s travel mug to four year old.

7:03: try to put the idea of satire in four year old terms. Succeed in making it seem like lies are okay if they are funny.

7:04: hear some classic four year old humor while you make coffee.

Example: Knock knock
                Who’s there?
                Nobody
                Nobody Who?
                TREE! AHahahahahaha

7:30: Feed baby spinach cereal mix, wonder at his enjoyment of something so green. Decide you need to make baby food because baby food is expensive and you have given birth to a pork chop.

7: 45: Look for blender

8:00: Realize you broke your blender two years ago in an attempt to blend ice for an adult beverage. Wax nostalgic about adult beverages.

8:01: Decide a new blender is cost effective in the face of the giant pork chop you have given birth to.

8:02: Get shot by a laser gun and told, “I’m going to shoot this arrow and you’ll be dead. HORSE RIDER!” while trying to convince two year old to put on underwear before shoes. Briefly consider being dead for the rest of the morning, but quickly come back to life when screams and cries ensue over a sandal (interesting side note: it’s raining, so sandals are worthless…unless you are two). Confiscate a paintbrush that was being used for non painting purposes.

8:05: Realize you have no idea where you put your coffee.

13 thoughts on “Things That Happen While My Coffee Languishes: A Morning Log

  1. this is so relatably hysterical. except would you tell your pork chop to tell my pork chop that there are other foods in the world besides his boob buffet? yeahthanks.

    Like

  2. Here's how I know I'm a different person than I was back when our blender made adult beverages, too:

    Throughout the reading of this post, my most salient thought was “Cheese bagel. Now that sounds good.”

    Yep.

    True confessions.

    Like

  3. seriously— what's up with the anti sleep people?!? i will never understand what is so offensive about sleeping when it's dark out? i loved your morning.. because it sounds so similar to mine. 🙂 ps.. get the blender. worth it fo sho.

    Like

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