How To Keep A Toddler In Their Bed Without Using Butter

A few days ago, the toddler decided to escape from his crib. Our world hasn’t been the same. Mornings start at 5 a.m. Evenings drag on until 11 p.m. My husband cries as I heartlessly shove him out of bed to “deal with the baby” and we both have been drowning our sorrows in ice cream, even though swimsuit season is looming dangerously on the horizon.

The little man has always been an adventurer with a devil-may-care attitude.

His actions are usually adorable, but his hours are exhausting. Almost exhausting enough to drive us to this:

Which, in case you were wondering, is a shotgun sized (and SHAPED) bottle of Tequila.

 We feel a little low, brought down by a 22 month old in a diaper. It’s humbling, but we’re too tired to care.

In desperation I asked my friends on Facebook, “How do you keep a one year old in their bed?!”

The overwhelming consensus was Duct Tape.

Someone also proffered a “baby tent” which could also be accurately called “baby prison with built in malaria deferment”…or even “baby cage of doom” considering it has been recalled because of safety issues.

My friend Brittany, who would be disowned after today if she didn’t wear Darth Vader pajamas all the time, suggested he fall asleep while watching The Hobbit…because it’s boring. EXCEPT IT’S NOT! It’s a great movie.

There were also suggestions to drug him, to turn the door knob around and lock him in his room and to put up a baby gate. One of my favorites was “grease the railings with butter”.

Some people suggested to just go with it and let him sleep in our bed…which I WOULD have considered if he would SLEEP.

Then my friend Kayla suggested taking out the spring thing that holds the mattress up and putting the mattress on the ground INSIDE the crib.

Then this came up:

  • JoAnn:  I just looked at his crib and there is more space at the bottom than yours, so if I dropped the mattress he would still have a crawl space. WHY ARE YOU AGAINST ME UNIVERSE?!
    3 hours ago · Like
  • Amy: cut off the legs! use them for firewood! SMORES!!!
    2 hours ago · Like
  • JoAnn  You mommies are all a little bit insane…and I LIKE IT.  can we look on pinterest and figure out how to make them VODKA infused smores? Because then I’m in.
    2 hours ago · Like · 1
  • Amy:   yes because just doing the simple solution of a crib tent doesn’t involve enough excitment. MOMMIES GONE WILD
    2 hours ago · Like
  • Kayla   Put some big books under the mattress to raise it a bit? How about some concrete blocks? But seriously…books?

So finally, after hours of cyber hand holding we finally came up with this. Finally:

Derrick lowered the mattress to the ground, added Q’s old McQueen bumper to the exposed side with a crack, and at bedtime? Sweet, sweet screams of anger coming from the little man in his crib. They lasted for two seconds and then he fell asleep, because he is exhausted, because he has been partying HARD the last few days.


Update: he climbed out tonight. Then my husband saw him straddling the top of the crib. It was too much for me (I worried about him falling), and I had my husband convert it to a toddler bed. After that, he (the baby, not my husband) got out of bed one more time, but I took away his beloved Mater matchbox car. He yelled, “Matador! Matador!” until I put him in bed and gave it to him, again explaining that Mater is not allowed out of bed. I also put a child safety gate in front of the door so he can’t wander around the house and bake cookies at midnight. We shall see. Nothing is certain anymore. 

12 thoughts on “How To Keep A Toddler In Their Bed Without Using Butter

  1. Genius! (People say that on pinterest all of the time, so it needed to be said here.) Remind me of this post when G starts getting enough muscle to climb out of bed.
    Also, I have scrolled up a couple of times to have another look – not at the crib – but of the tequilla guns.


  2. Ha! I like being some people, makes me feel muy importante. So… just because we let them in our bed doesn't mean they always sleep… James often gets a foot to the face from Moses. Enjoy your tequila shotguns, just not too much or you might not be able to get out of bed yourself 🙂


  3. He can't scale a crib now, because his mattress is on the floor he lost about a foot and can't climb the extra space. We added mcqueen to the bottom to close a little gap between the crib and the floor, but it depends on how your crib is made on weather you'd need it or not.


  4. My daughter learned to climb out of her crib when she was 11 months old, no kidding. We tried the net thing, but she tore it down in about 10 seconds. We couldn't lock her in the room because then she would climb up her sisters' bunkbeds. Finally she started pushing a chair up to the front door and attempting to unlock it. I took drastic action. I put her baby gate flat on top of her crib and zip-tied it at the back, so it opened like a lid. Ok, fine it was a cage. She couldn't climb up, hold it open, and get out. If she had I guess I would have padlocked the thing, lol just kidding, please don't contact children services. It kept her safe until she was old enough to threaten, I mean reason with.

    Liked by 1 person

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